Operation Cookie Fail

Hokay, so. You’re all ready to do some hardcore baking. You’ve got everything set up, mixer’s ready, spatula at the ready, arms just begging to start the measuring and dumping. You start measuring out the sugar, flour, cut the butter into cubes, aaand then….wait, what?!?! Where are the eggs?!

Yah.

That just happened.

Standing at the fridge, mouth agape.

And in two nano-seconds, your will to live leaves in one long sigh.

After a nice long stream of curse words, you pour everything back into their respective containers, cover the butter, toss any used bowls into sink.

That happened last night. All I could think about during the day, and while I forced myself to the gym, was the Snickerdoodles that I was going to bake as soon as I got home. I could see their cinnamon-sugar-y goodness in all of their glory. I know I could’ve continued and tried to bake them without the eggs or possibly just make something else. But after wanting to make Snickerdoodles all day, I had no desire to bake anymore. Sad, really. I could’ve gone to the store when I found out, but it was already late enough and the initial sucker punch to the gut just took the wind of out my baking sails.

Lesson to be learned here? Check to make sure I have EVERYTHING before I leave the house.
Looks like there’s going to be some angry coworkers today.

Oops.

SAMMICH!!!!!!

So what makes a great sammich? (Author’s note: Sammich is the modern vernacular for the popular food item composed of various meats, cheeses, vegetables, jams, jellies, pastes, or any other edible food item “sandwhiched” between two slices –or more- of bread. )

I’ve had sammiches over the past few days. And to be honest, Some were good. Some were bad. Some were quite amazing.

But if I had to go and make a sammich that would be known all over the world as a great sammich, I can’t say that I’d be able to do it. Not to say that I’m not up to the challenge. It’s just that I’ve had the same sammich from different places. And they never taste the same.

EVER.

So what makes a great sammich? The ingredients? The combination of flavors? The multitude of textures? The sides? The fact that you WANT a sammich?

I think this is a question for the ages. And yet, it hasn’t been discussed at any of the college campuses.

I have a couple courses in mind already:

• Sammich 101 – the history of the sammich
• Sammich 103 – the socioeconomic implications of the sammich
• Sammich 105 – the sammich in pop culture

I mean come on…they have classes on Tupac, techno music, and World of Warcraft.
Why not the sammich?

(PS. My favorite sammich? Grilled Cheese.)

[Recipe] Bacon + Steak + onions/balasmic vinegar = goodness

Occasionally, I’m going to share a recipe here. With plenty of drool inducing pictures. These recipes will usually be the product of years of culinary training and world travel….wait, no, that’s not true. They will be concoctions that I’ve come up with while slaving away at the gym. Or they will be from various websites – Allrecipies.com, foodnetwork.com, or epicurious.com. I’ll be sure to indicate my source as they arise.

So, since the weather is beginning to warm up, and the family wants to grill some steaks, here is a recipe that I’ve created and served previously.

Bacon Wrapped Steak w/ Balsamic Onion relish

Ingredients:
• Steak (I used filet mignon since there was plenty of fat from the bacon) – about 2 pounds, cut into 4 halves
• Bacon – 1 strip per half steak
• Onion - 2, sliced as thin as possible
• Half cup of Balsamic Vinegar
• ¼ cup of Sugar
• salt, pepper, vegetable oil, toothpicks

Prep info
• Slice onions, as thinly as you’d like – thinner is better I think, allows the onions to caramelize faster
• Bring steaks to room temp
• Wrap bacon around the steaks and secure with a toothpick, salt and pepper to taste
• Pre-heat oven to 450

Cooking guidelines
Onion Relish
• In a large pan heat vegetable oil over high heat. Add the onions and lower the heat to medium. Add salt and pepper and mix
• Sweat the onions down for 15 minutes and stir occasionally. By the time you’re ready for the next step, the onions must be very soft, if not, cook for a few more minutes
• Add the sugar and reduce heat to low. Cook until most of the liquid has been absorbed. – about 5-10 minutes
• Add the balsamic vinegar. Cook until the onion relish practically turns into a thick mixture, almost syrup-like. This will take up to 40 minutes

Bacon wrapped steak
• Heat a couple tablespoons of vegetable oil in an over proof, or cast iron skillet if you have one
• .Sear each side of the steak for about 2 minutes. (This creates a nice brown crust due to Maillard reactions – science yay!) Place the pan into the oven and cook for 10 minutes. The steaks will be medium rare. (So cook longer if you like your steaks more done, don't know WHY you'd want them beyond medium...)
• Remove the steak medallions from the skillet and allow them to rest for 2 minutes. Remove the toothpicks Top with the relish on the top or side and serve.

**Recipe source unknown. I'm pretty sure this was off a website somewhere. At least the onion relish part. And since I'm not positive that this was my own creation. I'm not taking credit for it. Let's say it came from simplefoodie.com because that's where I found the following picture.

Cheers!

The effect of the gym on a Closet Fatty.

The funny thing about the gym, for me at least, is that as soon as I step trough the doors that separates the real world from the sweat and testosterone filled haven for those seeking their idea of physical perfection is that I conjure up images of the food I was to be intimately involved with.

Near pornographic scenes begin playing through my head – an oral orgy of sweet and savory with saltiness bringing up the rear.

Brownies. Cookies. Ice Cream. Huge quivering slabs of red meat. Racks of ribs. Succulent pork loins and juicy chicken breasts. Cakes of all shapes and sizes. Buttery filets of fish from all over the sea. Conglomeration of macaroni, cheese, and hot sauce.


Can you imagine the kind of hell I’m in during my workouts? The entire time, the though of food running rampant through my head. It’s like a crack whore thinking of the score she’s going to buy with the money she’s going to get while doing her thang. Eyah, actually, I’m sure that’s exactly what she’s thinking about and it really doesn’t apply at all.

Hmmm….
Ok, better analogy.

[insert analogy of having perverse thoughts of food while performing an activity who’s sole purpose is to negate the effects of butter and fat and sugar]

Yea, you guys can do all of the thinking.


I’ve suddenly gotten the urge to masticate a hotdog or two.

Ice cold .... soup?

What foods come to mind on a hot balmy night?

Something cold, something sweet, possibly made of milk or the juice of fruits. Not for this guy. This guy thinks of...(insert drum roll please)...





Naeng Myun!

Or Cold Buckwheat Noodle soup as it has been so eloquently translated.


This concoction is vegetable broth based soup, served cold, with buckwheat noodles, some cucumbers, a few slices of brisket, a hardboiled egg, and kimchee. It’s typically a dish served in the hot and humid summer months. But with the sudden onset of heat, I got this in early spring.

Now I’ll be honest here, I wasn’t thinking of food prior to writing this, oh no. I was more concerned with the horrible sunburn I obtained over the weekend. Slaving over a hot hot grill + sunshine for more than a couple hours – sunblock = a very red David.

Joy.

But this delicious noodle soup that I’m currently eating while typing away is amazing.

Almost wish it came in paste form so I could rub in on my sunburn.

It’s that good.

Maybe.

Finger Licking Good!

Picture found on web...not mine.


Barbequing. The perennial man-skill. It is according to the highly accurate and widely accepted mathematical proof shown below, if you are male, you know how to handle the all powerful grill.

The Highly Accurate Proof
1. If Man = 1
2. If Grill Master= 1
3. And 1=1
4. Thus, Man=Grill Master



+



=




If you try to debunk this, the universe will implode. So don’t try it. Accept it. Just like you accept that you need air to live.

Continuing on, while this is a universal truth, I have found subjects that are statistical anomalies to this.

Just this past weekend, as I slaved away over a mess of hot charcoal, keeping a careful eye on the color and done-ness of various meats. I had the pleasure of meeting a few gents that were in awe over the fact that I was using a grill so big (it was pretty big I must admit, but I did have to help serve a lot of people) and with the fact that I knew how to grill. And not just getting the charcoal ready, and just throwing the meat until it’s black on one side and then flipping it to repeat the process on the otherside. I’m talking - rotation of meats by degree of doneness, selection of initial placement and type of meat, and knowing when to remove said meat.

The guys had no clue, and I was in shock.

And since, I don’t want to continue on about my utter confusion at their lack of general bbq-rules. I’ll end it with a couple things. One, I gave then some sausage. And Two, they asked me how much I bench.


How does the latter matter in any of this?

It doesn’t.

I just like to gloat whenever someone asks me that stupid question.

(Oh, btw, "it doesn’t matter what" I bench is my standard answer)

Welcome!

So, you're probably wondering what the word is in the title of the blog. F and 6 more letters. Foodies? Fatties? F*&@ers? Flowers? Females?

Take your pick, I don't care. Just read on, and you'll understand.

But, I'll be nice. This is a collection of pictures, rants and raves, possible "scholarly essays" penned by yours truely, random quotes from random people. All about one topic...FOOD.


And now, on to the good stuff!

Cheers.

PS. I personally think the F word stands for Fatties. Not that I'm fat. I once was. And I secretly wish i could stuff my face with food without regard to the fact that I was probably eating enough to feed a small African village for a week in a single day. Yeah. I was much happier when I was eating and not exercising. Now, I'm just a disgruntled wanna be "foodie" who hits the gym doubly hard in order to allow myself to indulge in the act of enjoying delicious (read: fattening) foods.